I’ve had a sudden realisation about ADHD and it almost breaks my heart a little. 



I don’t have anything to do until 4pm this afternoon when I need to leave for London, and I was sat in the lounge thinking to myself “I’m bored”.

And yet. when I looked around I have so many things that I could be doing, like playing records, or games, or reading... I didn’t want to do any of them, even though I would like to. It’s just because none of them are my current hyperfocus and my mind is just chasing the dopamine that comes with the excitement of something new. 



And then I realised that I carry trauma from this exact behaviour as a child. I had so many toys, and if I ever said “I’m bored” to my parents it would always be “but you have so many toys that you don’t play with, why don’t you play with some of them?”.

It made me feel as though I am ungrateful, and that what I have is not enough, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.



I am so grateful for everything I had then, and everything I have now too. I *want* to do all these things, like read, and listen to music, and be creative and make things and write and spend time doing things that inspire me and others, and yet, I can’t. The paralysis is crippling. It’s almost painful.



I know that I have so much potential, and yet, I just can’t seem to reach it.