I know it’s been quite some time since I put my thoughts down for folks to read, but this weekend I’ve had a lot of them. Besides, being able to put them out into the universe like this is a way to set them free; an unburdening perhaps, given in conversations with both my therapist and those around me I’ve come to realise I’m carrying far more than any single person should have to.

Much of it is probably my own fault of course, in so much as instead of asking for help, I solider through difficult things alone regardless of the cost to my own mental wellbeing. It’s not courageous or clever, and although it might come across as brave, a lot of the time it feels detrimental and reckless. This weekend is no exception, despite my initial anxiety about travelling to Malta for Anjunadeep, I pushed through any doubt and booked to come away anyway, thinking it would be good for me to have break. After all, I work hard and I deserve nice things…

… but I was wrong. Almost every single day I’ve found myself either fighting against self doubt and wanting to be invisible, pushing through FOMO or the fear of guilt for having to explain why I came all this way and didn’t do anything, to having panic attacks for no apparent reason. Even wearing my Loops and keeping myself at a respectful and safe distance from the crowd at Buskett Gardens this afternoon, the panic attack that came out of nowhere was the worst of all. My heart rate spiked to 134 despite being quite still, and so driving back to the hotel felt like being on a knife edge.

Sitting in the dark and meditating helped to bring some calm and rational thinking back into focus, giving me the space to decompress before going out for the most delicious Italian meal, then coming back to quietly sit and drink tea in the hotel garden while I write this.

So what’s the lesson here? Most importantly I need to listen to my body, and not the imaginary voices in my head that tell me people will judge me for my apparent failure to interact with the outside like a normal person. That I need to trust my autistic self, the part of me that needs safety and familiarity and to do things to maintain that, rather than sacrifice myself for the sake of others discomfort or judgement for doing so.

There are so many different parts of our modern society that still continue to demand and force neurodivergent people to experience the world in the way that’s dictated to us, and that by being inside or doing things that cause literally zero harm to others is somehow detrimental to our wellbeing or happiness. It seems quite obvious to me that people who are hell bent on “fixing” autistic people are just so desperately unhappy in their own company they can’t imagine a world where people who enjoy being alone exist; that joy and comfort in a hobby or simple existence with no apparent value or “benefit” to society is enough to them.

If you’re still unconvinced that letting us enjoy our own little worlds, or for some bizarre reason worry that we’re unhappy or aren’t contributing to society then let me make it clear… If you let autistic people experience the world in the way that suits them best, you’ll save valuable time and resources by not trying to make them live a “normal” life. And for those of us that are capable enough to hold down a job, we’ll probably spend more on a hobby in a month than most people would spend in a year. As long as it doesn’t cause harm to others, happiness is the freedom to be ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with me, or the way I navigate and experience the world.

I am enough.