One of the hardest things about writing is finding a way to get the incoherent thoughts in my own mind down into a form that will make sense for others. Context is critical to understanding the experience of others, and without it meaning is easily lost. Loss, for example, is something we all experience and the feelings we share as a result of it are broadly similar. However, one persons loss may be almost unimaginable to another. This is especially true for me as someone that doesn't have children and I cannot begin to imagine what it would feel like to lose one, despite losing close friends on several occasions.

Loss is but one example, there are many shared experiences that unite us. Given how many individuals are alive today the likelihood of someone experiencing something indentical to you is entirely possible, but the way you experience it will be unique to you. Broadly speaking however we can all find a sense of unity and commonality in these moments; especially ones that challenge us or push the limits of what's possible as individuals.

Loss is something that continues to be a struggle for me personally, but that's not to say loss is inherently bad. Loss can be freeing. It can remove the burden of choice or responsibility, allowing you to experience an enteirely new way of living, perhaps even give you the time and space to do things that you'd never had the chance or ability to do before. There is no guilt to be had in relief after loss, and feeling it doesn't make you a bad person. Responsibilty for others can weigh heavily.

When I reflect on my own experiences with loss, this year will be the hardest of all others to navigate for me... it certainly feels that way in this moment. 2025 marks a decade since I found myself on a completely different life path, and the losses as a result of following that path have been a hard thing to reconcile with.

Wether I am happier as a result of following that path is a tough question to answer... Objectively it's likely a yes, but every day presents new challenges, and even though there are things about my past life that no longer make me unhappy, there are things about my new life that do. If the meansure of happiness is one of balance, then my life is much more balanced than it was 10 years ago. Having financial stability is a critical part of that balance, and I am well aware that there are a great many people who are not in my position.

I feel privileged to have all that I do... but, in conversation with a dear friend several days ago, it is as a result of hard work and determination, not privilege. What I have now wasn't handed to me, and there are no circumstances where it ever could have been. Indeed, as I approached the latter half of the 2010's, I found myself drowning in credit card debt, trapped in a relationship that in hindsight was terribly unhealthy and abusive, all while struggling to make sense of both myself and my place in the world around me...

...And so for everything I have now, I am grateful.

Alongside that gratitude, my desire to share all I have with someone else is becoming immeasurable. As much as I enjoy my own peace, I'm in a place now where I know how to protect it were I to invite someone in. I know what I need, what I value, and I am confident that I can find someone who aligns with those values; someone who demonstrates integrity and a willingness to discuss their feelings openly, without fear of shame or judgment for doing so.

Doing deep emotional work and being introspective isn't something that comes naturally to people, but if we are to ever grow as individuals we have to learn to accept hard truths and sit with any discomfort that may arise as a result. I am acutely aware of my own past failings, that my own immaturity and lack of self awareness caused a great deal of harm to others. There is no excuse for how I behaved as I did, I made those decisions consciously, and the resulting outcomes of those actions are not things that I can undo. My only hope is that any harm hasn't been long lasting, and the only remaining hurt is my own self admonition.

As I find more and more days passing me by, my deepest hope above all else is that instead of the deep sense of loss, I look back on days lost with a sense of pride; that my presence in other peoples lives has been a positive one.

May you look back on your own life with fondness, and know that your words and actions are held in the hearts of others equally so.